"Love More, Fear Less"

I first saw the phrase on a shirt made by a fellow Mama on this journey who was using it for a fundraiser. It stuck with me and has been a motto I’ve referred to on our harder days. This journey is an emotional rollercoaster. The days are long and the waiting is so incredibly hard. Some days are harder than others…

4^th of July? Forget it.

I was a wreck and couldn’t bring myself to celebrate. It rained here, poured. So bad that they couldn’t have fireworks and selfishly I was happy. How could we celebrate? How could we have a day filled with happiness and freedom knowing our little boy is locked away? I spent the day worrying about him and wondering what his day consisted of. I felt sad, helpless, and angry. I lashed out at Rob and accused him of not caring. He spent the day in the garage, working on his trucks and away from me. He was in his sanctuary— where he goes to release his stress and think about everything. We express our emotions in opposite ways and it is hard for him to watch me be sad. I know this. But, yet, I still couldn’t control all the feelings. Some days are just sad.

Then comes the motivation. After the 4^th, I buckled down and got a good chunk of our paperwork completed to head to EE and started our first fundraiser. I spent the weekend coming up with more fundraisers, emailing resources, researching grants, and much more. Because even though there are sad days every now and then, I know we have to brush them off and get back to work to bring him home. Every day is crucial for these kiddos so there is no room for delay in this process. Even on the days that I am exhausted from work or just want to lounge on the couch for an afternoon, I always make time to work on something for the adoption each day.

There are days filled with nerves and worries. While adoption was something I always knew I’d pursue, I never really considered internationally. Let’s face it, I get anxious taking a one-hour road trip for the weekend… how do you expect me to travel across the world? Not only is traveling to Eastern Europe (2-3x) to bring home a child nerve-racking but it’s also expensive, time consuming, requires EXTENSIVE paperwork, and there are no guarantees. What if all our paperwork isn’t approved? What if we can’t come up with the funds? What if we get there and he is no longer available?

In D’s country adoptions are considered ‘blind’ because outside of 1-2 pictures and the special needs/medical diagnosis, you are not allowed to receive any information regarding the child until you are in country. This can be scary. Who is this little boy we have grown to love? What are his birth parents like? What has he learned? What are his likes/dislikes? I study his pictures every day and wonder exactly who he is. I imagine what his little smile looks like or if he has taken his first steps yet. But, this little boy has already made us SO brave and manages to wipe all the nerves away. We have been led to him and I know He will continue to guide us and ease our fears each step of the way.

The joy that this journey has already brought has been overwhelming and we know it will only continue to grow as we get closer and closer to meeting our little guy. The joy comes when we show family, friends, and even strangers his pictures as were beaming with pride. It comes when we add a new decoration or purchase a new toy for his nursery. When we bought his first (EVER) set of pajamas… even though we have to guess his size. We can’t help but smile every time we talk about the future with him in it and all the memories we will make. It comes when we have a supporter donate or participate in our fundraiser as it shows us that they too see his worth. Joy comes when I talk to people who have a desire or are questioning adoption because I hope that our story will help encourage them to follow their heart. And it comes when I get words of wisdom and inspiration from Mama’s who have already walked this path. There is so much joy.

But, the Love surpasses all of the other emotions. The amount of love that we have for a little boy that we have only met through a picture is unmeasurable. I imagine that this is the type of Love that a Mother feels for a child when she finds out she is pregnant but in a different way. But just like those Mama’s experience, it was an instant Love and while there are no guarantees he will always hold a place in our heart. They say having a child will change your life, well, he already has in so many beautiful ways. We can only hope and pray that he can feel even an ounce of the Love that we are sending over to him.  

We’re one day closer, sweet boy. XO