One Day at a Time

The first week after hearing of the passing of our son was one filled with an outpour of love through texts, phone calls, and cards. So many kind souls who recognize the depth of this loss and grieved right alongside of us.

But then, it was back to reality. Robert and I got back to work. And everyone else returned to their busy lives and families. That’s when it hit me…

Before then, it was just a bad nightmare I was waiting to wake up from. I was angry. So, so angry and was ready to charge on into the battle that is Adoption. I jumped into looking up other waiting children and sought out their stories. Determined and ready to save anyone so that I could ‘beat the system’ and the doom they have made for these kiddos.

Robert kept his distance, back into the garage he went. Fixing anything that he could. How could I possibly be looking at other children two days after hearing the news?! I would try to go show him pictures or share a glimpse into a child’s life but his heart wasn’t ready to consider anyone else. I didn’t get it, “We must act now! These children will die. Look at them!! Look, do you want them to end up like D?” He would give me a hug and turn back to his project.

After about a week of seeking out other orphans and trying to force myself into picturing them as our son/daughter or attempting to figure out how we could afford to save a medically fragile child, the tragic reality sunk in.

Everything that we had envisioned our lives to be was gone. 

I cannot picture these other beautiful, needy orphans as our own because they are not.

D was meant to be our son from day one. That’s how we got here. He led us to this Country, our team, our new friends, and our hearts for Down Syndrome.

And, knowing the beautiful life we had ahead of us with him in our arms none of it was scary.

Now, I am petrified. I am scared to travel across the world to then travel all the way back with a sick, fragile child in my arms. I am scared that the fundraising will not all come together and that we will be left in overwhelming debt. But, more than anything, I am SO scared to open my heart to another child because I cannot handle this kind of loss again.

I used to come home from work and spend endless hours working on our adoption. Paperwork, driving around for signatures/notaries, emailing the team with things done on our checklist, more paperwork, a quick stop at Homegoods to browse the children’s section for any last details to D’s nursery, the post office and REPEAT… it was never ending. From March until August 16^th.

Now, I come home from work and I stare at the paperwork sitting on our coffee table. I try to figure out how to put the guard down that is around my heart and hush the fears that run through my brain.

Then, I turn to our fundraising because that is safe. That is something I can still control. And, these fundraisers were for D so I feel connected to him as I work with his picture nearby.

So, this is where we are. Taking it day by day. Some days our progress halts for a moment, but I think that is okay. We know that D is is pulling strings for us. He will guide us to the Adoption version of our Rainbow Baby…