One Year Reflection

This week marks one year since God called us on this crazy adventure that is International Adoption. I have spent the last few days really reflecting on the past year and it stirs up so many emotions. 

When we started this journey we were well educated on adoption-- we did our research, we talked to fellow adoptive families, and we read books but none of that could've prepared us for what we were about to experience. 

Adoption is pain, trauma, perseverance, selflessness, loss, sacrifice, and it is completely outrageous. 

Plus, we haven't had your 'typical' adoption experience... but then again, is there such a thing? 

I am a planner. I always have been. This tends to make me a little controlling in a sense, not like in a crazy way, but I like predictability. Adoption is unpredictable. International adoption adds for a lot more unpredictability. This has been very hard for me. Thankfully, Robert is the opposite in this aspect. He likes to go with the flow and he can be spontaneous so he has kept me grounded along the way. 

Adoption is H A R D. The past year has been one of the hardest years of my life and one of the hardest years on our relationship for so many reasons. But, at the same time, it has been one of our greatest years where our relationship has grown so, so much. 

So, let's reflect... 

In the past year, I have witnessed perspectives changing on adoption, inclusion, family, Down Syndrome, and orphans. Announcing an adoption as a means to start your family is not easy. Then let's add international adoption and special needs too... yikes. We were blessed with support from many people but I also walked away in tears after telling many people. I didn't understand why I had to justify us starting a family just because it wasn't in a "traditional" way. But, this was because they didn't have the right perspective, a sense of blissful ignorance, if you will. Unaware of the brokenness that surrounds us regarding the orphan crisis, unaware that an extra chromosome just means an extraordinary person, unaware that 'logic' isn't necessary when you're called to adoption. 

Adoption is foreign to Robert's family and even though it is not to mine, concerns were still raised because this wasn't a logical choice. There were far many more reasons NOT to adopt right now then to proceed and that's what drove the reactions. We were 'too young, our marriage was too new, we were too financially unstable, our house was too incomplete...' the list goes on. Care, concern, and love sheltered their eyes to this beautiful miracle about to unfold. 

But then one day, it didn't. And perspectives shifted. And those people who were once so scared of all that is adoption and special needs became shouters of worth. This has been beautiful to watch. 

In the past year, we have experienced great love and even greater loss. We jumped into this adventure blind, not knowing where we were headed. Many families that pursue international adoption have a specific Country in mind that helps guide them. But, we did not, we waited to see where God would lead us. Then we found D, and we knew that he was exactly who God was leading us to all along. Our hearts we're so ready to love a child and we love(d) Desmond hard and fast. We didn't want to be cautious with our love for him. We knew that everything was unpredictable and we knew the risk, but we loved hard anyways. This love made us vulnerable and ultimately in complete devastation when we lost him. To be so in love with a child you never met is an indescribable feeling and but we will never regret opening our hearts so widely for him. 

Other families we see go through multiple adoptions seem to go through the motions open to whatever child they bring home in the end. I guess they know not to get "too attached" because of the unpredictability. I have seen families go to the country to meet the child they have worked so hard to bring home and change their mind. Or find out the child is no longer available so they bring home another child. Maybe these families think we're naive. Maybe they think it was a mistake to become so attached to a child but I don't think it was. He will always be our first child, he will always be considered our son even though we never got the chance to make it official. And he will always hold a place in our hearts. 

In the past year, I have found myself on my knees more times than I have been in my entire life. My faith has grown tremendously through this journey. Honestly, I don't know how you survive this journey without faith. This is by far the scariest thing that I have ever done. Everything about this is scary for me-- the cost, the travel, the unknowns, the loss.

We started this journey in debt knowing it would cost $25,000-$30,000 and having no idea how we were going to make this possible. I committed to this journey knowing that I would have to travel across the world, when I struggle to travel two hours from home. We committed to this journey not knowing how our future child's trauma, family history, abandonment, medical history or special needs would effect them or our future. But, we did it anyways. (not logical, remember?) 

We did it because these children are worthy. Our son was worthy. Our daughter is worthy. And they makes us brave. And He is faithful. So every fear and every doubt has been handed over to Him. And, time and time again He has moved mountains for our family. 

In the past year, we have longed and waited every-single-day to have our child in our arms. Desmond would have been home by now and there was so much we anticipated our lives to be by this time--with him. And even though, we love our daughter just as much, it doesn't stop the pain when we think of what could have been. We should've been home, with our boy, watching him experience all of his 'firsts' and snuggling all day long. We should've had a baby shower around the time of our cousins who were also welcoming a baby boy. I should've been on maternity leave with a dear friend, we we're so excited to experience motherhood together. 

But, instead, the baby shower came for our sweet cousins and their beautiful baby boy is here. My friend is on leave with her darling twins and I am witnessing her become the most amazing mother. And, families that we started the adoption journey with have welcomed home their worthy children. And, even more friends are expecting little ones. And here I am... just waiting. Seeing what could have been and what should have been. And, no matter how incredibly happy I am for everyone, some days it still hurts. 

But then I am reminded, of the gift that is Desmond. He called us on this journey and if it was not for our love for him, we would have never been led to our daughter. 

In the past year, we have had the greatest blessing of loving two incredibly worthy children. We have a son and we have a daughter. We have worked tirelessly to nearly complete two international adoptions. We have found the rainbow after our storm. It's our girl. And, she is coming home to us, so soon. And all that we prayed for, longed for, and imagined will be. She will be more than we could have ever dreamed. And she will continue to change our lives and our story just like she has already done. 

She, too, has longed and waited every-single-day for a family. And, we are so incredibly honored to get to become her parents. We absolutely cannot wait to have her in our arms and to experience so many firsts with her. To introduce her to her village, to tell her how loved she is by so many people, to remind her every day how wanted she is. To teach her how to be a shouter of worth and watch her shift perceptions. So on those hard days, we remind ourselves that she is SO WORTH the wait. 

I posted this photo (above) a year ago, it was referring to our adoption but at that point only a handful of people knew we were starting the process. Looking back, I really had no idea how true this would hold. Not one part of this story is random, it is all perfectly written and we are blessed to be unfolding each page. 

Adoption is so many things but most importantly, it is Love. 

XOXO